Tag Archives: Maine

Maine Philosopher to Receive Prestigious Local Award

Icon corncob with leaves. Français : icone pla...

Dramatization of Copper Corncob Award

Monday marked the arrival of Maine Philosopher Austin Hodgens for his receipt of the Copper Corncob Award for being outstanding in his field. Hooterville periodically bestows the municipal award to any person demonstrating “outstanding examples of American-ality.” With such recognition of minor American holidays and a direct line to large Biblical figures, Mayor Noelle Redenbacher decided it would be a perfect fit for the New Yorker gone Mainer.

When asked why copper was the metal used for the trophy, the Mayorship responded, “that’s a great question. This is a real recent thing, and the first corncob was actually made of gold. Unfortunately, the second time the cob was to be awarded, Cindy Messerschmitt down at the Pig in a Poke Bar ‘n’ Grill needed 32 replacement teeth. Doc Dentine, our local dentist, wasn’t able to procure materials in time, and as a result, we used the gold from cob. In its place, we melted all the pennies we could find and that seemed to work out. By the way, you’re not going to tell the Feds about this are you?”

There was a little trouble on the city’s only landing strip, as Old Farmer McIntyre’s two cows, Millie and Pumpkin, refused to move of the tarmac. With a little luck, and a bit of bribery, the sprightly Cessna was cleared to touch down amid Hooterville’s welcoming committee and the Black Swamp All-Star Jazzercise Squad. They had Austin sweating to the oldies in no time.

After the ceremony, this reporter found Austin running a few laps down a country road in his running toga. “I think it’s wonderful to be recognized by people outside of Maine. It’s a good feeling when you know you’re connecting with others throughout the country.” That’s about all I could record, before I collapsed to the ground. I had to give him my congratulations, and then take a little breather on the asphalt.

Other supporters of Mr. Hodgens were delighted to weigh in support of his recent award. The Hootenanny, the city’s oldest and only newspaper, phoned the campaign offices of Mayor McCheese. The gubernatorial candidate has greatly benefited from the philosopher’s support on his blog. Being that the Mayor was unavailable at the moment, Zeus took the call:


Zeus: This is fantastic. Austin has been an integral part of our campaign, and Mayor McCheese and I couldn’t be more pleased to hear of this accolade.

Me: Is this taking any time away from his support of Mayor McCheese?

Zeus: Oh, no. With the marvels of modern technology, humans can be more omnipresent like me. I think I have the edge in that market though.

Me: Was there any dissent, when news arrived?

Zeus: None at all. Austin is great friends with everyone here at the campaign headquarters. Although we were a little… surprised at the source, considering there have been some unpleasant accusations against the Mayor from your newspaper. Stop making faces, Sir. I can see you; I am still Zeus.

Me: Humph!


…and there you have it, folks! Inspiring new philosophers across this great nation, we here at the Hootenanny look forward to more cutting edge material from the Modern Philosopher soon.

So, what do you think? Was Mr. Hodgens the right choice for this highly-coveted award? Who would be a great candidate for the next time Lulu the Organ Grinding Monkey trades in all of her pennies for bananas? What is the mean airspeed of an unladen swallow? What is your favorite color? Do I have pretty eyes? Where’s my dog and wouldn’t you like to be a Pepper, too?

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The Ugly Duckling or the Silly Goose

With all of my superior grace, I still managed to spill a glass of red wine on my home laptop. After I set it out to dry, it seems the wireless NIC has taken a powder. It’s now residing at the computer repair store with no ETA of being fixed. That puts a little bit of a crimp in my blogging. As one can plainly see, I do have alternatives but they’re not the most convenient.

Smeagol Finds His True Precious

MY PRECIOUS! (Photo credit: Cole Edmonson)

I thought I would use this time to put together all of the observations I couldn’t make in to a full post on their own. It’s a hodgepodge, which bites at my sense of continuity, but it keeps me writing. I like to write, as a painter loves to paint. Inspiration is a trixie hobbit though, and it often has my precious. Yessss.

The Tobacco Werewolf

As you may or may not be able to make out in my Gravatar, I am a smoker. A dirty, dirty smoker to some. I own it for the most part, but have been fighting to get away from lighting up. Have you ever felt weird, when someone says they love smoking? Well, prepare to be uncomfortable again! I am one of those people.

Talbot in wolf form, as portrayed by Lon Chane...

Give me a menthol! (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It is a tactile pleasure, I think. The weight, the draw, the gesture are almost a part of my personality. That is what makes me a tobacco werewolf. After a few drinks, a bad day at the office, or a friend lighting I turn into a mad beast (internally, my mind is Lon Chaney, Jr.). I simply have to have one. Of the two general types of addictions, this is probably categorized as a mostly psychological. My mind is more powerful than my body and has the terrible ability to rationalize tobacco.

In recent months, I have attempted alternative measures to assuage this monster. Gum, vapor, cold turkey, and now the patch have been added to my seemingly futile attempts to curb smoking. Admittedly, last night I fell off the wagon and got back up this afternoon. I don’t ask for anyone’s sympathy or whatnot. I’m not the type to beg, plead, or otherwise excuse the activity. It just is, and I accept the consequences of those actions. How many people can say they do that?

Private Eyes Are Watching You

In another candid camera moment, local authorities are now storing your day-to-day travels just in case you might be doing something illegal. I file this one under the increasingly growing “guilty until proven innocent” section. However, there still are people convinced otherwise. Why worry, if one’s not doing anything illegal? Right? Here’s a question for you. Do you really understand the law? Have you taken the time to read all the Federal, state, and local regulations? If you have, you’d realize the massive amounts of text it provides. This voluminous subject covers a lot of ground, stated in simplicity. With such verbiage is also the idea of interpretation. You see, situations occur when two people take the same law and read it differently. In other words, you may think you’re the model citizen obeying every sort of law imaginable. Authorities may think otherwise. Guess who’s going to win without a lengthy battle in court? My money’s on the law enforcement.

For example, say you were to take a marvelous vacation to the great state of Maine. What’s one food for which Maine is exalted? Lobsters. I love lobster just as much as the next seafood enthusiast, but do you know the regulations on lobsters? If Maine is anything like the other East coast states, trawlers will vend their food as soon as they get off the boat. North Carolina shrimpers will set up shop with a cooler and a tent just to capture the allure of freshness.

Being these fisherman are in the business, and you’re not, they are aware of the v-notched lobsters they caught and sell one to you. You start driving away blissfully thinking of how you’ll prepare the little devil. Suddenly, you’re pulled over by Maine’s finest a few miles later. “There was a boat that just came in with an illegal lobster catch. Our cameras caught your car driving away from the docks, and we are asking to search your car.” This is a request you really, really don’t want to deny. Authorities don’t like noncompliance, and will make your life Hell if you don’t.

They find your dinner, and now you’re slapped with $600 in fines for having illegal lobster in your car. It’s the same with stolen property. Even if you’re not aware of the illegality of the stolen merchandise, you are still held culpable for the purchase. You are the one currently holding illegal goods. Possession is 9/10 of the law.

Should you really have to go through all of this, because you did something innocuous? You’re not trafficking lobster. You’re not some criminal kingpin. You just wanted dinner. You’re not going to do it again. It’s a stupid lobster! How many of these obscure rules are there?! In short, you are held to a very difficult standard as a layman in which compliance has become treacherous. That is why you should be concerned about surveillance like this while “you’re not doing anything wrong.”

To Post or Not to Post

I’ve been thinking about the lack of security of the Internet and my books. It started with a concern raised by frommtvtomommy, and snowballed into a Thursday night drinking session. I like writing, and love to share. That’s not to say I would mind receiving some income from what I create, or more importantly, prevent someone making money off of me. It’s not my focal point, but I’m not so sure now it should be ignored. While I will take my current story to a conclusion, there are three other stories I’ve started that haven’t been discussed in detail. One of them I haven’t mentioned anything about until now. I’m not sure how I could share them without helping someone else profit at my expense.

With that, it’s time to make the doughnuts. More importantly, it’s time to eat the doughnuts! Have a great rest of your weekend everyone!

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