The Great Big Mall in the Sky

Even with the pleasure of TSA’s company, I am willing to bring my spirits back into balance. Yes, gentle citizens, I cheer myself up and don’t require the services of another human being to do so. I think that’s a wonderful quality to have, as plenty of other people are seemingly lacking in this department. This is a self-service comedy area, friend.

To my good fortune, there’s always a SkyMall catalog to keep me centered. For anyone who has flown on a plane since the 90s, they will immediately identify with the name and the vast amounts of premium junk hawked within its glossy folds. After all, we’re Americans! If we want to throw our hard earned pay away on the Bedazzler and the Flowbee, then we are free to do so, by God. To quote Philip J. Fry, “shut up, and take my money!”

Let’s take a look at the wonderful merchandise one can buy while flying the friendly skies:

The Solowheel

In an attempt to capture any remaining fervor from the Segway, the good folks at Inventist have offered a single-wheeled solution for all of those lazy unicyclists out there. It’s called the Solowheel, and for a mere $1,800 it could be yours. Annoy your friends, family, and neighbors as they see you rollin’. Don’t worry, they’re just hatin’. It only makes you look like an extra from B.C., the comic strip. This is not to mention you could get a pretty sweet Huffy for a fraction of the cost.

Mounted Squirrel Head

What words are used to describe the Mounted Squirrel Head? Cute and kitschy. If you were going to say “tacky and in poor taste,” I would be right there with you. It seems a bunch of out-of-work realtors have been “retooled” for the advertising industry. The $25 price tag seems a bit hefty, but I’m sure the magic starts once it’s secured to your living room wall. The only time I would purchase one is if it laughed like the deer in Evil Dead 2.

© “Bigfoot, the Bashful Yeti” Tree Sculpture

From the makers of the “Hanging Chimp” statue and the “Grand Tiki” Sculptural Tables comes their greatest polyresin product yet: “Bigfoot, the Bashful Yeti.” Never mind Sasquatch and Yeti mythology are more like kissing cousins, or Bigfoot is arguably more freaked out by flabby white guys in plaid flannel shirts than bashful, this is a treasure with little equal. Think of all the fun you could have entertaining your family:

“Hon-nee! Why are you hiding behind that tree?”

“I’m not, sweetie. I’m right here.”

“Oh! Then who’s that?!”

“That is our new ‘Bashful Yeti’ sculpture! Isn’t it adorable? :D”

“Oh! I thought you forgot to wax today.”

😐

Reasonably priced at $70, no wooded residential lot should be with out one. It would be a tragedy to ignore the beauty of this magnificent beast.

Box of Applause & Box of Laughter

This is my personal favorite, and I’ve saved it for last. For $25 per box, the aspiring comedian (ahem) or comedienne can get all of the affirmation their hearts desire with the flip of a lid. In other blogs, I have voiced my opinion on laughing at my own jokes. The point being is if I didn’t laugh at my own jokes, I wouldn’t have an audience. With these little bundles of self flattery, my audience has increased two fold! I won’t double up the count with both boxes, because I’m just that modest.

I don’t know about you all, but all of this SkyMall shopping has made me thirsty. I’ll have to signal over the flight attendant to accommodate me with a half a can of pop and my bag of six complimentary peanuts. So refreshing!

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TSA Security Level: Butterscotch Paisley

As I mentioned before I left, I’m not a huge fan of going through the motions at TSA checkpoints. I’ve seen checkpoints pre- and post-9/11, and they’ve never made me feel all that safe. If anything, they only create more stress. My observations of their conduct have given me the impression they’re not truly there for my safety either. This is above and beyond talk of privacy violations.

I was body scanned at Port Columbus Int’l on my way out to the coast. This was the more updated version, as it was now “only an outline.” Apparently TSA realized what a bad idea the original body scanners were. If I’m not mistaken, pictures were posted to the internet even after TSA denied it would happen. I suppose they didn’t understand the human nature of their employees.

After removing my belt, pocket contents, and shoes for the x-ray machine, I was ordered to line up near the scanner with two other people. No more than a few seconds later, the TSA “technician” yelled at us to get back. Considering the screening process is already very stressful, I could not contain a sigh as I walked back to my original position. This caught the ire of the short blonde with control issues who gave directives to us in the first place. With a passive-aggressive flair much savored here in Ohio, she let the two passengers in front of me go through a metal detector. She then looked at me and pointed at the scanner, as if I was such a naughty boy for sighing. Too bad she never got much of a reaction out of me.

You see, I was going to go through that scanning machine whether she let those passengers go or not. I don’t look innocuous enough. Her actions would only have an impact, if I had any chance of going through a lesser invasive and less time consuming process. That just wasn’t going to happen.

The way I see it is I prevented two of my fellow countrymen from performing more humiliating exams in front of these little dictators. In vocalizing my disappointment through a completely protected First Amendment way, I gave Blondie McEgotrip a contrast on who was going the extra mile to make her job more pleasant. Without that contrast, she wouldn’t have thought anything about it. I’m actually very happy about this, because I made something positive out of her little negative attitude.

As stated above, I’ve never received the impression from the Federal government or TSA that all of these measures were for my safety. Of course, that’s what they tell you, but it doesn’t feel genuine. Instead, every time I’m there I get the distinct impression I’m guilty until proven innocent. Also, it feels like the interest lay in avoiding embarrassment in Washington and protecting the assets of corporate airlines. After all, if they truly cared about a citizen’s safety, they wouldn’t use violent pacification as a foreign policy. That seems to fuel quite a bit of aggression against us.

During these trips, I’m reminded of a random conversation I had with a traveler outside of Logan Int’l airport. She had a motto: TSA Fearever. That has stuck in my head ever since.

The Travel and the Granite

I will be attending a conference in New Hampshire on Friday. This will be a great chance to get out of the state, but conferences bore the Hell out of me. That probably goes for the majority of other conference goers, but I’d like to complain about it anyway. Indulge me in my whining. No? OK, I’m going to run upstairs, slam my bedroom door, and punish you with three hours of Judas Priest before I get real hungry and go downstairs for a snack. Fat kid’s gotta eat.

This is where having completely carefree, spontaneous, comely female company comes in handy. If left to my own devices, I end up in a bar, drunk, with a pad of paper and a pencil. Mostly, I’m writing of death and destruction. With such a lovely assistant, how could I resist such absurd behavior as walking miles for a specific restaurant or standing naked in the town square in front of a throng of shocked onlookers? Well, maybe not the last part, but you get the idea. I can be pretty dull, when alone. I blame my parents.

To my benefit, I am not driving this time. Here’s where I can tell people are not from America. Immigrants and foreign tourists have this overwhelming tendency to think it only takes a couple hours to drive to shore. It’s like I can fold Pennsylvania, New York, and Vermont over and reach the east coast within time for lunch. THAT’S WHAT DID IN GENERAL CORNWALLIS, SUCKAS! The trip is deceptively long, and I’m not up for that kind of road trip. At least, for right now.

The alternative is to fly. Flying is about as fun as being pinched with a toy claw. You’ll live, but it’s annoying and the experience feels highly unnecessary. I’m just hoping I don’t get too much guff from the TSA lackeys, and can pass through Logan Int’l with little hassle as possible.

I think it fair to mention I’m also drinking extremely cheap beer at the moment. That should explain the disorganization and weaving train of thought. It’s so cheap and disgusting that I’m not going to mention the brand. Why did I buy it in the first place? I thought it would be an adventure. On second thought, this trip might be exactly what I need. Do you see to what I’m reduced?