The end of the month comes so quickly anymore. It was just Thanksgiving two days ago. The Christmas tree is being put up in sections. Most of the work is done, except for the bulbs. I have to stop frequently, not because of physical exhaustion, but that of mental. I want it up, for better or worse. There is a large debate on whether I should string up the bushes in the front yard. It’ll only be a matter of weeks before I take them down anyway.
Another friend is engaged as of last Tuesday. I’m happy for them both, or as much as a detached third-party can be. There’s something I’m lacking to truly feel the vicarious warmth of others sharing milestone moments. It’s hard to explain, but the emptiness suggests I wasn’t built to be warm… or aware of relationships, I suppose. There’s a part of me that says “you will feel it, when you find it.” That’s not helping.
It has been hard writing stories as of late. There has been a lot of emotional tumult and thought over the past few weeks. Sometimes, I wonder about my existence too much. From what I’ve experienced and what I’ve heard, people are way too quick to give flimsy advice when I discuss it. There is never anything quick and dirty that will help someone out of a hole. There may be an element of customization missing, and above all teamwork. Some people just need to put the money where their mouths are.
With all the rumination of my faults, I’ve come to a startling conclusion. I hesitate to write much further on it, as it gets very personal. I can also see it being too honest for polite company. You’re all polite company, correct? Sure, you are. However, I will say the revelation has had quite the helping hand in my concerns about life. I had to learn all this the hard way.
Corvidae in the Fields 
I don’t think that this Christmas thing, in its current form, helps anyone. Its too demanding on happiness.
In the land of the Americans, Christmas has lost any intrinsic value which renders it quite superficial. It has, of course, been replaced by a demonic frenzy of consumerism and competition. People have been trampled to death on Black Friday. Trampled to death, Roger! For what? A kitchen appliance or Chinese-built toy from Walmart. The expectation for joviality hasn’t evaporated, but rather adapted into a gimmick when arguing with other people (e.g. “Thanks for cutting me off on the road, moron. A very Merry Christmas to you!”). Even in that situation, the recipient could have been perfectly fine, but the selfishness of others uses the holiday season to guilt and blackmail for profit.
My parents keep asking for a damned list of gifts to buy each year, when I ask for nothing. I don’t ask for any trinket or bauble for Christmas. The other slap in the face is that they don’t even know me well enough to think of a gift to buy. That may be a little harder for me, in truth.
I don’t know what to ever get my husband, if that makes you feel better. Even if you know someone well, it’s hard to know what they want or need. That doesn’t help, does it? We’ve spent the past several years w/ a no-adult gift policy from anyone, so that makes it much easier. Only a few gifts for kids, and we’re done. People are crazy to trample each other to accumulate things on the day after they just gave thanks for things. It is an odd world we live in. But at least you have polite company to surround you in a big virtual festivey hug.
Then I suppose I have a knack for buying person-specific items. I have a habit of observing what they do, what they like to eat, what they say, and what they use most often. I hate asking people for lists, because it makes me feel like I haven’t paid enough attention.
But when you love someone, you mostly just notice the irritating things they do and say, and you forget what it is they need except to change all their bad habits. I agree that lists are tedious.
I am not polite company, tho i often play one on TV. I say go for it. I, too, obsess way too much over existential nonsense but I’ve met some pretty cool bloggers because of it
I’ve been in this spot before, and can tell you people would be upset. The usual presentation is “that’s the way I’ve lived it,” and people get their nose out of joint when I won’t let them tell me otherwise. It’s probably best left unwritten.
I have found the Great Blogosphere to be a pretty forgiving and very supportive place. 🙂
I find that forgiveness (or rather the forgiveness of me) is based in Machiavellian study. This is not being dramatic; this is just experiencing society for several decades. I also find the Internet amplifies human behavior. Given the hardness of my observations and the lack of attachment from others, I’m still thinking it’s best to avoid the heartache of being candid and starting a fire.