Fooled University

I decided to write another comedy sketch for the same reason I bought Cap’n Crunch over the weekend: because I could. People want to carry on about adult life being terrible, but I’ve never felt better in that regard. I can do what I want, and it’s no one else’s business. Yeah, bills and work aren’t always roses, but being an adult’s pretty cool.

*******

INT. Guidance Counselor’s Office at Fooled Univeristy (Fooled U, also FU or the Silly Geese) – DAY

In an extravagantly decorated room with an inordinate amount of degrees sits a guidance COUNSELOR and a STUDENT. It’s the day before finals and the COUNSELOR is breaking the bad news to the well-intentioned, but dim, would-be graduate. It appears that he had not performed all the necessary steps to graduate and will need to wait to be conferred his diploma.

COUNSELOR

This is a bit hard for me to say, but you won’t be able to graduate at the end of the month, Eric.

STUDENT

Aww, what?! Did I fail finals? You know, if you just give me a chance to take them, I’ll prove myself! Honest!

COUNSELOR

Huh? Err, no Eric. You’ll be allowed to take your finals tomorrow.

STUDENT

Oh, good. That had me worried. I took my whole lunch to study for them. So, why am I not going to make it? What did I do wrong?

COUNSELOR

Well, for starters, you’ve forgotten to have a credit audit for your coursework.

STUDENT

I’m in trouble with the IRS?

COUNSELOR

Eh, no Eric. Your credit hours here at the university.

STUDENT

They’re in trouble with the IRS?!

COUNSELOR

Oh good Lord. No, we need to see if you have all of your credit hours to graduate.

STUDENT

Did I lose them?

COUNSELOR

Mmph! No, Eric, we need to see if you’ve taken all your classes.

STUDENT

Oh, well, I think I have. Uncle Auggie just told me what to take and I signed up for them. He’s cool. He’s confident that I’ll get through school.

COUNSELOR

Well, I’m glad he has confidence in you, Eric, but we’ve got standards. Not just everyone can call themselves a silly goose, you know.

STUDENT

Oh, sure. We wouldn’t want stupid people getting a diploma. If anyone could get a diploma here, then employers could care less about it.

COUNSELOR

You mean, “couldn’t care less.”

STUDENT

Who?

COUNSELOR

You.

STUDENT

Oh, no. I really want this thing!

COUNSELOR

No, Eric, I mean… you know what? Nevermind.

The COUNSELOR centers herself with a few deep breaths and opens the student file to see if there is anything else he needs to accomplish before he graduates. She find his transcript to be full of failing grades and in overall poor shape.

COUNSELOR

Eric, how did you ever get this far? You’ve failed 80% of your courses and the other 20 were barely passing. Your application was even submitted in crayon.

STUDENT

Oh, I just finished my self-portrait before I filled it out. Mom says I’ve got talent!

COUNSELOR

I… I can’t take this any longer! Your student record’s a joke. You’re as smart as a box of rocks, and I have no idea how you made it this far without anyone informing you of these glaring flaws. I can’t let this go any further. You’ll either need to take these classes over again or I will bring this up to admissions. This is appalling!

STUDENT (heartbroken)

Ohhhh, no! But I worked so hard. I only played my Xbox for 8 hours a day. That has to count for something. Oh, it’s all my fault! Uncle Auggie won’t be very happy to hear this. He was hoping to hand me my diploma this year. I can’t believe I’ve let him down. I’m so stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

The STUDENT begins to smack himself in the head with his books. COUNSELOR tries to frantically to stop the STUDENT from further injury, when a light goes off in her head.

COUNSELOR

Wait, do you mean Augustus Waverby, the university president?

STUDENT

Yes. Everyone seems to know that for some reason. You really have some nice professors here, Mrs. Dachshund. I guess I took it all for granted, huh?

At this point, the COUNSELOR tosses the student file in the trash can and smiles.

COUNSELOR

If that’s the case, I’m always pleased to meet new alumni! Be sure to remember us when making your annual donations and we’ll see you at homecoming. Go Geese!

© 2013 by Corvidae in the Fields, all rights reserved

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5 thoughts on “Fooled University

  1. Cap’n Crunch on ice cream………….try it.

  2. There we go again,,,,,It’s not what you know, it’s who you know:)

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