Maine Philosopher to Receive Prestigious Local Award

Icon corncob with leaves. Français : icone pla...

Dramatization of Copper Corncob Award

Monday marked the arrival of Maine Philosopher Austin Hodgens for his receipt of the Copper Corncob Award for being outstanding in his field. Hooterville periodically bestows the municipal award to any person demonstrating “outstanding examples of American-ality.” With such recognition of minor American holidays and a direct line to large Biblical figures, Mayor Noelle Redenbacher decided it would be a perfect fit for the New Yorker gone Mainer.

When asked why copper was the metal used for the trophy, the Mayorship responded, “that’s a great question. This is a real recent thing, and the first corncob was actually made of gold. Unfortunately, the second time the cob was to be awarded, Cindy Messerschmitt down at the Pig in a Poke Bar ‘n’ Grill needed 32 replacement teeth. Doc Dentine, our local dentist, wasn’t able to procure materials in time, and as a result, we used the gold from cob. In its place, we melted all the pennies we could find and that seemed to work out. By the way, you’re not going to tell the Feds about this are you?”

There was a little trouble on the city’s only landing strip, as Old Farmer McIntyre’s two cows, Millie and Pumpkin, refused to move of the tarmac. With a little luck, and a bit of bribery, the sprightly Cessna was cleared to touch down amid Hooterville’s welcoming committee and the Black Swamp All-Star Jazzercise Squad. They had Austin sweating to the oldies in no time.

After the ceremony, this reporter found Austin running a few laps down a country road in his running toga. “I think it’s wonderful to be recognized by people outside of Maine. It’s a good feeling when you know you’re connecting with others throughout the country.” That’s about all I could record, before I collapsed to the ground. I had to give him my congratulations, and then take a little breather on the asphalt.

Other supporters of Mr. Hodgens were delighted to weigh in support of his recent award. The Hootenanny, the city’s oldest and only newspaper, phoned the campaign offices of Mayor McCheese. The gubernatorial candidate has greatly benefited from the philosopher’s support on his blog. Being that the Mayor was unavailable at the moment, Zeus took the call:


Zeus: This is fantastic. Austin has been an integral part of our campaign, and Mayor McCheese and I couldn’t be more pleased to hear of this accolade.

Me: Is this taking any time away from his support of Mayor McCheese?

Zeus: Oh, no. With the marvels of modern technology, humans can be more omnipresent like me. I think I have the edge in that market though.

Me: Was there any dissent, when news arrived?

Zeus: None at all. Austin is great friends with everyone here at the campaign headquarters. Although we were a little… surprised at the source, considering there have been some unpleasant accusations against the Mayor from your newspaper. Stop making faces, Sir. I can see you; I am still Zeus.

Me: Humph!


…and there you have it, folks! Inspiring new philosophers across this great nation, we here at the Hootenanny look forward to more cutting edge material from the Modern Philosopher soon.

So, what do you think? Was Mr. Hodgens the right choice for this highly-coveted award? Who would be a great candidate for the next time Lulu the Organ Grinding Monkey trades in all of her pennies for bananas? What is the mean airspeed of an unladen swallow? What is your favorite color? Do I have pretty eyes? Where’s my dog and wouldn’t you like to be a Pepper, too?

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7 thoughts on “Maine Philosopher to Receive Prestigious Local Award

  1. Austin says:

    Aside from spelling my name incorrectly (a pet peeve) when you tagged the article, I was very touched by this piece of writing and look forward to receiving my award. Seriously, I expect it to show up here. So let’s have it. It would look amazing in my trophy case. Thanks for the shout out. Thank you for the award. 🙂

    • Crap! I thought I got all of those. It should be fixed now, and had a ridiculously hard time typing “Hodgens” instead of “Hodges.” I tried my best to keep it straight.

      You’re quite welcome, Austin. I’m glad it turned out to your satisfaction. We’ll be sending out our quickest donkey up to Maine for delivery, crossing our fingers she won’t stick out like a sore thumb or be questioned by a suspicious Ben Bernanke.

      • Austin says:

        Thanks. After a childhood of being called “Hodges”, I’m a little sensitive about that. I look forward to the award’s arrival and shared the article on my Twitter and Facebook, so hopefully, you get some views. 🙂

  2. I’m dazed. Being new to Hooterville, much of this goes over my head, like an unladen swallow which is preferable to a lead balloon. Copper’s nice for the corn trophy,,,maybe corn would be nice for the corn trophy as there seems to be more corn than copper in Hooterville.

    • There is more corn in Hooterville than copper. As the adage goes, “corn should be knee-high by the Fourth of July,” and the stalks have yet to disappoint this year. Shellacking would need to be involved though. Food items don’t always get first place in the longevity category, unless they’re Twinkies. We can call that a food item, somewhat, I think.

  3. kerbey says:

    I want to do jazzercise. I want to eat corn on the cob. And I sort of want to watch Hee-Haw now.

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