The Great Big Mall in the Sky

Even with the pleasure of TSA’s company, I am willing to bring my spirits back into balance. Yes, gentle citizens, I cheer myself up and don’t require the services of another human being to do so. I think that’s a wonderful quality to have, as plenty of other people are seemingly lacking in this department. This is a self-service comedy area, friend.

To my good fortune, there’s always a SkyMall catalog to keep me centered. For anyone who has flown on a plane since the 90s, they will immediately identify with the name and the vast amounts of premium junk hawked within its glossy folds. After all, we’re Americans! If we want to throw our hard earned pay away on the Bedazzler and the Flowbee, then we are free to do so, by God. To quote Philip J. Fry, “shut up, and take my money!”

Let’s take a look at the wonderful merchandise one can buy while flying the friendly skies:

The Solowheel

In an attempt to capture any remaining fervor from the Segway, the good folks at Inventist have offered a single-wheeled solution for all of those lazy unicyclists out there. It’s called the Solowheel, and for a mere $1,800 it could be yours. Annoy your friends, family, and neighbors as they see you rollin’. Don’t worry, they’re just hatin’. It only makes you look like an extra from B.C., the comic strip. This is not to mention you could get a pretty sweet Huffy for a fraction of the cost.

Mounted Squirrel Head

What words are used to describe the Mounted Squirrel Head? Cute and kitschy. If you were going to say “tacky and in poor taste,” I would be right there with you. It seems a bunch of out-of-work realtors have been “retooled” for the advertising industry. The $25 price tag seems a bit hefty, but I’m sure the magic starts once it’s secured to your living room wall. The only time I would purchase one is if it laughed like the deer in Evil Dead 2.

© “Bigfoot, the Bashful Yeti” Tree Sculpture

From the makers of the “Hanging Chimp” statue and the “Grand Tiki” Sculptural Tables comes their greatest polyresin product yet: “Bigfoot, the Bashful Yeti.” Never mind Sasquatch and Yeti mythology are more like kissing cousins, or Bigfoot is arguably more freaked out by flabby white guys in plaid flannel shirts than bashful, this is a treasure with little equal. Think of all the fun you could have entertaining your family:

“Hon-nee! Why are you hiding behind that tree?”

“I’m not, sweetie. I’m right here.”

“Oh! Then who’s that?!”

That is our new ‘Bashful Yeti’ sculpture! Isn’t it adorable? :D”

“Oh! I thought you forgot to wax today.”

😐

Reasonably priced at $70, no wooded residential lot should be with out one. It would be a tragedy to ignore the beauty of this magnificent beast.

Box of Applause & Box of Laughter

This is my personal favorite, and I’ve saved it for last. For $25 per box, the aspiring comedian (ahem) or comedienne can get all of the affirmation their hearts desire with the flip of a lid. In other blogs, I have voiced my opinion on laughing at my own jokes. The point being is if I didn’t laugh at my own jokes, I wouldn’t have an audience. With these little bundles of self flattery, my audience has increased two fold! I won’t double up the count with both boxes, because I’m just that modest.

I don’t know about you all, but all of this SkyMall shopping has made me thirsty. I’ll have to signal over the flight attendant to accommodate me with a half a can of pop and my bag of six complimentary peanuts. So refreshing!

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11 thoughts on “The Great Big Mall in the Sky

  1. laurasmess says:

    Hahahahaaa! Ah, this takes me back. I haven’t looked at a Sky Mall catalogue for ages but I still remember the pages and pages of crap that they sell. When I was a kid (I flew a lot as a child as our family is quite diasporic) I used to beg my mother to buy me decks of cards, mini-perfumes or replica aircraft wings. She kindly indulged me on occasion, even though I’m sure that she knew she was wasting her money. And yep, thirsty. Just like after eating popcorn at the movies (more artificially seasoned crap that I don’t need!)

  2. You are brave. I cannot stomach the SkyMall catalog.

    • I get a Kurt Vonnegut wryness when I read it. This merchandise is blatantly frivolous, yet I have to say to myself “there are people that buy from this company.” It would not be in existence for so long had anyone not. I’m a minimalist of sorts too, but it’s really not for design purposes. It’s because material possessions don’t mean the world to me.

  3. Haha. Bashful Yeti…

    I have never actually read a SkyMall catalog. That’s probably because I get horribly air sick and have to OD on Dramamine to make it through the flight. It puts me in this weird half-awake-half-dreaming state where I dream flight attendants are bringing me sandwiches, but when I hold out my hands and open my eyes, there’s no one there.

  4. kerbey says:

    I thought you were kidding about the Bigfoot sculpture, but you weren’t. Who dreams that up? Can they sculpt a Mama June (of Honey Boo Boo) one to place at my fridge to scare the hell out of me, so I don’t eat?

    • If you can think it up, I’m sure the lovely employees of Design Toscano would carve it for you. They seem quite willing to do just about anything, as you can see.

      What I find amusing about my comedy is that I don’t fabricate much. I’ll do satire every now and then, but that’s based on some solid criticism in my opinion. Otherwise the piece would fall apart. It’s the old saying, “many a true word is spoken in jest.” I also believe “what a man says drunk, he thinks sober.” So, I pay very close attention to drunk people.

      • kerbey says:

        Well, that’s probably true about drunks. Drinking makes me VERY talkative. I just looked at more of Sky Mall and (having not been on a plane in a decade) am in shock by these products. $30 for lounge pants that look like ruined, holy work pants that even Goodwill would toss? Who is their demographic here? Crazies?

      • It would seem to me the overall target audience is upper-middle class Americans with eyes bigger than their wallets. There’s a sucker born every minute.

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